I'm not sure whether 16 consecutive days in the hospital is starting to get to me, or whether it's the fact that I feel worse now than I have since the beginning of this most recent stay, but I'm finding if difficult to stay optimistic.
As mentioned previously, I've lost 3kg since last week. Yesterday when the doctors came round, they seemed convinced that it was a problem with inconsistency in the scales, rather than me losing weight. So they had me try a different scale, and want me to use that one going forward for weigh-ins. Turns out that it registered roughly the same weight (actually about 1/2kg less than my Saturday weight), so now they realise that this treatment isn't working.
Despite this, they seem to have no concrete plan to start me on TPN yet. They felt because of the problem with the steroids over the weekend, the Modulen didn't get a fair chance. OK, fair enough, but even before the weekend I wasn't convinced it was helping me gain any weight. Not only that, but I've been struggling with abdominal pain since Saturday as a result of the steroid cock-up, and I've been unable to down more than five of the drinks a day, which amounts only to 1250 calories.
This has left me feeling incredibly tired and weak. It's a struggle for me to get washed in the mornings, getting cold water to mix the drinks is a chore, and yesterday after heading outside to get some sunshine and read for half an hour, I had to nap for 45 minutes because I was so worn out. I don't think I've felt so exhausted, day-in, day-out, in my life.
Not only that, but I got the most pitying look from one of the ward sisters this afternoon. After living here for most of the last month, the nurses here realise I'm not getting any healthier, and the ones that have actually looked after me (i.e. the ones I've talked to) realise I'm actually feeling worse. Unfortunately, they are fairly powerless, and can't do much to help other than provide me with anti-sickness medicine when I need it.
My partner, bless his heart, is involved and tried calling the doctors today to see what they are going to do for me. Unfortunately, he wasn't able to get a hold of anyone today, but hopefully he can talk to one of them tomorrow. I'm too exhausted to yell at the doctors myself, so his help is greatly appreciated.